It doesn't seem that long ago that I was pregnant. Really, it feels like I was just in the mix of it, buying maternity, stretching out my leg muscles, going to the Dr. and then it doesn't feel that long ago that Lucy was just fresh and tiny, and I was walking around, proud as can be, with a newborn. So it has been weird for me to find out that several friends and family who had babies right around the time Lucy was born are pregnant again. Weren't we just there? Weren't we just all in this together? Wasn't I finally on board, in the mix, part of the "mommy" world? And once again, I'm feeling a little left out. It is a strange reality that Lucy is 1 and she is old enough to have another sibling. I have been so busy enjoying her, I haven't fully realized this fact.
And once I did, I was back there, just a little bit. Back to the wanting, but trying not to want. Because being pregnant was pretty cool, and having Lucy in our lives is definitely cool, but what it took to get her here isn't. Not so much. And once I was pregnant the pressure, stress, sadness, nervousness and fear were all gone. And now it is coming back. I'm not ready for IVF again. Not right now. But it is coming and I'm going to have to deal with it soon. That is really scary. Because once I deal with it, the cold reality of no is a very real possibility.
I know someone else who announced they are trying for #6, which, they stated, means they will be pregnant tomorrow. How would that be? That is so not my world. How would it be to want, try, and receive? Almost instantly? To skip over months and years of hope/hopelessness? And I guess it is just strange, because it really was just yesterday that I had Lucy. I swear it was. But then everyone else keeps adding to the brood. And all of a sudden only children get to be big brothers and sisters.
And really, I have been so happy. Really, really happy. So much so, that these new/old fears have blindsided me. They don't belong in my world. I had enough of them already.
So tonight, I will go to bed and dream sweet dreams. Because I have a husband who loves me, and a baby girl, who still is a baby, who loves me too. And I don't want to forget Oliver, because he is awesome. And I'm pretty sure he loves me. Because that is what dogs do.
7 comments:
Lucy is so beautiful and SO young, still! No need to rush. It's so crazy how fast babyhood flies by, and before you know it, people are asking when you're having the next one. I had such a hard time knowing when baby number 2 was supposed to come, and I didn't even have to deal with all the IVF craziness. But when that time comes for you guys, it will be a happy day. In the meantime, enjoy this special time with just the three of you. I mean, the 4 of you (sorry, Ollie). :)
LuAnn said...
Oh time is still on your side. You definitely don't want them to class as I can tell you is hard to do. But any way they come it is all good. And we are always praying for you that things will be easier the second time around.
Love you all...
Did I say class? I meant close. I should proof read my comments!
I love your posts Lindsey. So honest & sweet. Thanks for sharing your feelings. I work in adoption so I talk with a lot of couples who have similar feelings like the one's you have shared. I have a lot of empathy, respect, & sensitivity for those who work so hard to bring their sweet children here.
PS: Lucy is seriously one of the cutest babies I have ever seen.
I am so not ready for another baby. Having one is great, having two sounds overwhelming, and there's no way I want to play the fertility game right now.
Building a family is such a personal and intimate thing that comparing ourselves to others is pointless. There are ten years between me and my sister and we are best friends, it is okay if multiple years are spaced between siblings.
Siblings are siblings, no matter the time in between.
Lindsey, oh my goodness. Your comment made my day, you see, the funk of which I speak is THIS SAME THING...and that person who made that comment about #6 was the same hurt I felt in my heart. I felt jealous and mad and hurt, even though I am not in your same boat, I still wish and hope and long for it to just be easy. With all of that pain and hurt my husband is putting the kabosh on any more and that is painful as well. So I am not stuck in the wanting but never having again and it kills me a little inside.
I love you so much. I pray for you with all of my heart and I am SO thankful that I met you. Thankful to be by your side as you endure these feelings again. (They suck, I know, I am here for you.)
Our little girls are still babies, and with time all will be made right and perfect, even if it isn't in this life.
Huggs. Sorry you felt the funk too.
I have been meaning to comment on this post for a while. I know I chatted with you for a bit about this, but I just wanted to let you know that I think you are strong. I think you are brave, and I think you're a great mom. And where I know when you decide to go through this process again it won't be easy, I know that you will prevail because of the aforementioned.
And I am here whenever you need me. Love you Linds. xo Caitlin
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